As a child, I felt like I could never live up to the expected standards. I found myself being wistful – longing for a place to be accepted and enough. It felt like I’d never achieve the status of belonging. It felt like I’d forever be one step away of being enough. As someone who had unrealistic exceptions set on them, I set even more unrealistic ones for myself to live up to. Because if I couldn’t live up to everyone else’s expectations, how could I be enough for myself?
I worked myself into a downward spiral. I felt like I wasn’t enough for anyone in my life, and I certainly felt like I wasn’t enough for myself. The more inadequate I felt, the harsher I set the expectation on myself. I set myself up for a vicious cycle and one that deep down, I knew I could never win.
And so, I ran myself thin. I found myself trying to take on more and more. Trying to prove that I was adequate. Desperately trying to convince myself that I was finally enough. I took on more and more responsibility because if I could prove I could juggle all the commitments in my life, maybe then I would be enough. Maybe then I would be worthy.
I finally had a realization. It wasn’t that I wasn’t enough. It was that I simply hadn’t realized my worth. I didn’t need to juggle everything known to mankind to be enough. I didn’t have to consider the unrealistic standards that were assigned to me when I was a child. I didn’t need to impress people who didn’t care about my well-being. And most of all, I didn’t need to impress myself.
I was enough. I was always adequate. I always belonged. I just had to choose to focus on that, instead of the ideals that didn’t matter. I needed to choose to do what mattered to me, instead of what made me look the most impressive. It was okay to let go what I didn’t want to do because it wasn’t worth the cost it came at.
I have always been enough.
I just had to choose to see it.