Sometimes I find myself wishing I had a default setting. I find myself wishing there was a me before chronic illness. I find myself so desperately wanting a me before trauma happened. But the truth is, there isn’t a point in time where I was healthy. The trauma happened in my formative years – there isn’t a me without the past.
I hear people say that they wish they could be a child again so they could be carefree, and that isn’t a statement I can relate to. The thought of being a helpless child again terrifies me to my very core. There’s nothing but pain to go back to.
I find myself on the road to recover emotionally, and what I’ve noticed is that it’s absolutely terrifying. In some ways, the hell and torment I know is more comforting than the hope and peace the future holds. Simply because the familiarity brings me a sense of routine I’ve come to rely on. I can acknowledge it’s unhealthy, and I can even long for a better way to be. But retraining my brain is quite difficult.
I find myself longing to be someone different, but the thought of being a person I’ve never been scares me. It’s what I want more than anything – to be happy, to be free, to be someone better. I find myself wishing to overcome my trauma. But leaping into a world I’ve never lived in is an adventure I’ve never taken myself on.
But as I’m processing my past and working on finding answers, I’m finding it is worth it. I’m finding the terror and the fear subsides as I become who I am meant to be, not who I became out of necessity. I’m discovering that even though the journey is one that is completely unknown, eventually it will become part of my routine.
I may be launching myself into the unknown. I may be partaking on a journey that completely terrifies me. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it and it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it. It just means I need to be compassionate to myself in a way the world never was and I need to allow myself to just be the way I need to be in order to recover.