I sometimes find myself reflecting on the past. It’s dangerous, I know. While there isn’t anything I can do about the past, that doesn’t change the fact that the past shaped my present. It’s difficult – I struggle to come to terms with the aspects of my life I had no control of. And I think what I struggle with the most is those who were supposed to be my protectors instead became my perpetrators.
And so, I take steps to protect myself. I build a prison around myself where I am both the inmate and the jailkeeper. I avoid situations that will remind me of the pain, and I take great lengths to make sure I stay safe. I worry about letting people too close and getting hurt as a result.
There’s a lyric from an Imagine Dragons song that I feel sums things up quite well. “Don’t get too close, it’s dark inside. It’s where my demons hide.” My demons hide, and my demons sometimes feel like they take control. It feels like I’m trapped, like I’m stuck, like there’s no other option than living here with my demons in the hellscape I’ve created to protect myself.
I know there are better options, and I know there is healing. And I’ve been taking steps to better myself – I’m on medication, I’m in therapy. But it doesn’t change the fact that the now is hard, and it’s so important to acknowledge that.